Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
foreskin is a definite game changer
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
