So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
They are going to name an STD after you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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