Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
