Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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