***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
