Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
