I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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