i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
two words: eviction party
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize