Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
