it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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