i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
