I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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