Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
