I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
