blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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