i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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