This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
