I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
