I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You need a sexual gate keeper
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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