If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
