none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
