Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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