Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
