he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize