also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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