the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Randomize