forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize