Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
