I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
