fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
