I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
