The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
