I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
