Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
