When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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