if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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