No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
