My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
