i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
