you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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