I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
