is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
