I'm so fucking centered right now
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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