this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
