I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize