I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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