i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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