I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
