I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
