this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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