You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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