Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
