Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Randomize
