I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
sex in a hospital.. check
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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