I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
