she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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