im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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